2009-07-10
Three fundamental human needs (Part II): How well are you fitting in?

Last time I wrote about one of our fundamental needs – the need to belong. There are a number of secondary needs that result from that. Wanting to fit in is a consequence of our need to belong. We all know the lengths we go to fit in – within our families, professional groups, friends, or even in a group of strangers. We comply with requests that we would rather not, or follow norms that we’re not convinced of – all in the service of fitting in. In some cultures – the collectivistic ones such as Japanese, Chinese, Latin American – fitting in takes on even a greater importance. A Japanese proverb says “The nail that stands out gets pounded down” or a Japanese comic poem warns:

Ecstatic at being
set free
the bird collides with the tree

A Dutch saying I’ve learned recently advises “The head above the cornfield gets chopped off”. In the expat lives the need to belong and a desire to fit in become even more pronounced – we become almost desperate, if I may dare to say, to blend in.

In the book Expat one American woman, living in Indonesia, described how she started wearing ankle length skirts, both to be properly attired in Muslim eyes and to cover the pale color of her skin. One of the first things we’ve done when we moved to Amsterdam was to buy bikes – not only because it’s the best way to get around but also to fit in! This is a place where having a number of your bikes stolen is an indication of how local you’ve become! Same goes for the efforts to learn the local language . In the Netherlands where you can easily get by just by speaking English many expats still make an effort to learn Dutch (which requires quite an investment with respect to time and effort). Most people still want to learn it because they want to fit in.

There are numerous costs to not fitting in: ranging from being a target of aggression or ridicule to social exclusion - one of the most dreaded outcomes for humans. One expat complained how she felt excluded because her Dutch colleagues insisted on speaking in Dutch instead of English during meetings – ironically, in an organization whose mission is to serve and support expats. After a while, her response was to stop making contributions during these meetings.

This, disengagement or passivity, is a typical response to social exclusion. Other consequences are increased negative thoughts about the self, sadness, dejection, loneliness, and depression. Social exclusion is perceived as a painful, anxiety producing experience.  Another grim outcome could be questioning whether one’s existence is meaningful which on its own can pave the way for further damaging consequences. These negative thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns could be serious obstructions on the way to adapting and feeling at home.  

So what’s the way around it? How can an expat make sure her needs to belong and to fit in are satisfied to make the best out of her experience in her host country? And what would be ways to cope with some obstacles along the way?

As for many other needs the first step is awareness. You might be experiencing some of the thoughts and emotions I mentioned above – but have you accurately identified the underlying reasons? You might very well be attributing them to homesickness or to your personality (for example, being an introvert) . Ask yourself:  How well have I been fitting in? How would I rate my sense of belongingness?

One can very easily get sucked up in the cycle of not having a sense of belongingness or inclusion; followed by disengagement and passivity; which further hinders taking steps to satisfy your need to belong and fit in. Try to break the cycle by first becoming aware of it, and then taking action. The action might take different forms:

• creating new, more positive thoughts (e.g., "It is under my control to be included" or "It is very normal for the locals to speak their own language, their intention is not to exclude me")
  

• trying on different perspectives about the situation (e.g., "This is a great opportunity to try different ways of interacting with others - an opportunity hard to come by at home" or "This is the first time where I feel very different from others, I could learn a lot from this experience.")
  

• putting in effort to do things that will increase you sense of belongingness (e.g. learning the language or joining groups you can relate to)
  

One thing you need to remember is to be compassionate towards yourself. Try to show the same understanding you would to others who are on a journey of living in a foreign culture. It is a process and how much you’ll enjoy will depend on your attitude and how much you take care of yourself.

 

 

 

2009-07-03
Three fundamental human needs (Part I): Need to belong and why I might be having difficulty making Dutch friends…

“Life in a foreign country is a dance of submission and resistance. Self-knowledge comes in small repeated shocks as you find yourself giving in easily, with a struggle, or not at all. What can you do without? What do you cling to?”
- from Expat

I’ve been reading a book called Expat – Women’s True Tales of Life Abroad. The stories were written by a group of American women about their lives abroad – in countries as diverse as the group of writers: Japan, Egypt, England, Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia, Australia, Taiwan… Even though each story covers a unique experience, by the time I reached the end of the 22nd and the last story the running thread was so clear in my mind: need to belong while trying to keep whatever you think constitutes your identity… It didn’t matter if it was a Taiwanese American going back to Taiwan or an American living in Borneo all women talked about their efforts to fit in to their host culture by learning the language and getting used to the local food and customs. But along with the efforts to fit in most of them also developed a yearning to connect with their own home culture – not only because that is partly what makes them who they are, but also because it is what is familiar.

Even though each of us, as individuals, is unique there are some universal needs that we all share. Three fundamental needs that we come across in different lines of research in psychology are: the need to belong; the need to be autonomous; and the need to be competent. These are needs that motivated humans to engage in behaviors that maximized their chances of survival as well as healthy functioning for many generations. So it’s no surprise that when expats tell about their experiences, how they struggled to meet these needs becomes the underlying essence of their stories. In the next few posts I would like to reflect on these fundamental needs and how they play out a bit differently in the lives of expats.

I referred to the need to belong numerous times in this blog as I kept on recommending building a social support network as one of the key resources – not only for expats but for anyone, especially at times of stress and challenges. Next to numerous other benefits a social network (see the post “Have a ride to the airport for an early flight?” for a review) satisfies our need to belong.  According to an extensive review of the research on the need to belong, this fundamental need appears to have two aspects:

• having frequent personal contacts and interactions – ideally, positive or pleasant or at least, free from conflict and negative affect.
  

• having a perception of interpersonal bonds or relationships marked by stability, emotional concern and continuation into the foreseeable future.
  

While being included is associated with positive emotions such as happiness, elation, contentment, and calm; social exclusion has many negative consequences including sadness, disengagement, passivity, loneliness, anxiety, depression, and negative thoughts about the self leading to a decline in self-esteem. People who feel excluded also question whether their existence is meaningful (more on fitting in and social exclusion next time)

For expats, most of whom left their families and friends behind, the need to belong becomes more salient in a new environment. No wonder one of the first things people do when they move to a new country is to start seeking out other expats who are in a similar situation. It is the fastest way to make connections when everyone has a strong motivation to satisfy the same fundamental need. It generally takes longer to establish connections with locals, who already have their social networks. Generally the first of the two aspects of the need to belong – frequent personal contacts and interactions – is taken care of rather quickly. It’s the second aspect that takes more time and effort – building bonds that are perceived as stable, continuous and involve emotional concern.

The good news is that the need to belong seems to conform to the motivational pattern of satiation and substitution. That is, people need a few close relationships and forming additional bonds beyond those few has less and less impact. Therefore, there is a world of difference between having two close relationships as opposed to none; but not so much difference between having eight versus six (Actually, three seems to be the magical number here – see a previous post “Have a ride to the airport for an early flight?”).

This might also explain why many locals are not as keen as expats to form friendships or content with just staying as acquaintances – because they already have enough relationships in their lives and the additional value they’ll get from new ones might not be worth the investment they’ll need to make. My husband and I have been complaining about the difficulty of making Dutch friends – it’s never difficult to chi-chat or go for a beer but as I also hear from other expats going beyond that is proving to be tough.


How do I make Dutch friends, then?

What does an expat to do if she really wants to make local friends? I believe reciprocity might just be the answer here. When we look at the social influence literature reciprocity emerges as one of the most powerful tools in getting what we want. Reciprocity is a deeply ingrained rule of social interactions – give people something they value and appreciate they feel the need to reciprocate almost automatically.  I think in the Netherlands the key might just be the effort you put in learning Dutch!  Almost all Dutch people speak English well, so speaking Dutch doesn’t seem to be necessary to communicate although I keep on hearing from people who have lived here long enough that if you want to make Dutch friends speaking Dutch is the way to go. It makes more sense when I think of it from the reciprocity perspective. What I suspect might be going on in a Dutch mind is this: “If you make the effort to learn my language (which is not only quite difficult to learn but also quite limited with respect to its use in other places) then I would reciprocate by including you in my friends circle.” That doesn’t mean people are consciously thinking that way or actually aware of reciprocity being a key player in deciding to become friends with expats. In any case I think it is an explanation worth considering - what do you think? Well, that also means Dutch classes for me!

 

 

 

2009-06-23
Are self-affirmations only for high self-esteem people?

A recent article in Psychological Science (March, 2009) by Dr. Joan Wood and her colleagues from University of Waterloo has stirred up quite a bit of discussion about the value of self-affirmations. People started questioning if we’ve been all wrong in repeating positive statements to ourselves or believing in positive psychology. The findings of the study suggest that self-affirmations do work for high self-esteem people (who are already doing quiet well) and they actually backfire among low self-esteem people (who are believed to need the benefits more) by leading to negative mood.

So, shall we stop relying on self-affirmations on our journeys to be at our best? Well, I think that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water! I think there is great value in discussing if the self-affirmations work – this is a good time to weed out false assumptions and unrealistic expectations about how and when they work.

First of all, the skeptics are right about the value in repeating affirmations such as “I am great”,“I am successful in whatever I do” or “Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises” without even the slightest reality check! My own research has challenged the assumption of “having overly positive self-views is good for you”. Let’s do our reality check about the value of self-affirmations, shall we?

In social psychology literature there are quiet a few studies that would help us make sense of the self-affirmation business and the confusion around it. Dr. Bill Swann and his colleagues have published numerous articles about a need called “self-verification” – the need to collect evidence or feedback to validate the self-perceptions we have. In one study published in 1981 they pitted self-verification against self-enhancement: Do people prefer validating who they are or do they prefer to receive positive feedback even if it conflicts with their self-perceptions?

Their findings showed that when it comes to choosing between feedback that was consistent with people’s self-perceptions (self-verification) versus enhancing feedback that conflicted with self-perceptions, people preferred the former. In other words, positive feedback for a person who didn’t have positive self-perceptions was not readily acceptable, and he would rather take the verifying not-so-positive feedback. Of course the process was more straightforward for high self-esteem people - because positive feedback was in line with their already positive self-perceptions it further reinforced their self-perceptions.  Based on these findings we really shouldn’t be surprised about the recent findings on self-affirmation – that, it works better for high self-esteem people than their low self-esteem counterparts.

Similar set of results were reported by University of California researchers: self-affirmation helps high self-esteem people cope with stress by reducing psychological stress responses, while it actually exacerbates responses among low self-esteem people (Creswell et al, 2005; although it helped both groups by leading to a decrease in their physiological stress responses).  But no need to be discouraged – let me explain why…

Luckily, giving people positive feedback that conflicts with what they “know” about themselves (which is akin to using unrealistic self-affirmations) is not the only way to affirm the self. There is well-established evidence in social psychology that shows the benefits of an albeit a slightly different way of affirming the self. This form of self-affirmation involves thinking or writing about your core (personal and/or cultural) values and things you are competent at; and doing things, even small ones, in line with your values. Note that, here the affirmations are not unrealistic or overly positive statements. They are also not global statements such as “I am good enough” or “I am lovable”. They are about specific values (e.g., family, legacy, fairness) or competencies (e.g., being a supportive team member, a good tennis player).

These self-affirmations have been shown to help people to restore their self-image especially following a blow to their self-esteem. In other words, especially after a failure or rejection, affirming the self this way helps you bounce back quickly. They work especially well if affirmations are done in an unrelated domain. In other words, when you receive a negative feedback at work, use self-affirmations about your relationships.  

A recent study, which I had mentioned in my last post too, on further benefits of self-affirmation (Schmeichel & Vohs, 2009) showed its role in replenishing self-control, which is a limited resource that gets depleted after tasks that require will power. Consider these situations that require self-control and will-power: getting yourself out of a negative mood; managing to generate positive thoughts following negative events; ability to manage emotions; ability to motivate yourself; delaying short-term gratification for future benefits. For sure you would want to have enough resources to be successful in accomplishing them – and self-affirmation is a tool you wouldn’t want to discard, regardless of your level of self-esteem.

One important point to consider then is what outcome we have in mind when we ask the question “Does self-affirmation work?” We have to ask more specific questions: Does it work in

• feeling better about yourself? (Only for high self-esteem people, Wood et al.)
  

• boosting your mood? (No for moods we are aware of; yes for unconscious moods which further decrease ruminative thoughts, Koole et al.)
  

• strengthening the will power? (Yes, Schmeical & Vohs)
  

• reducing perceptions of stress? (Only for high self-esteem people, Creswell et al.)
  

• reducing physiological stress responses (Yes, Creswell et al.)
  

Then the take home message would be to continue using self-affirmations, but maybe in a different way/form that you had been using them:

• Focus on your positive aspects (and contrary to popular belief, low self-esteem people also believe they do have some positive aspects) and affirm them by writing about them.
  

• Reflect on your core personal values and/or the values of your culture, which form your worldview. Again, either write about these values, or take some action - small or big - to validate those values.
  

Warning: Research also suggests that self-affirmations are not effective when one tries too hard and is fully aware of using them to increase self-worth. So try to find more subtle ways of affirming the self.

 

 

 

2009-06-18
Run beyond the boundaries: Changing self-limiting beliefs

Last time I suggested that you reflect on the self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) if you would like to make better use of your potential to reach your ideal-self and your dreams. If you have a list of these SLBs that have been blocking you in getting where you would like to be, here are the next steps.

Step 1: Figure out the hidden benefits of the SLBs.
Last time I mentioned that these beliefs have been there because they serve some purpose – so what are the hidden benefits they’ve been providing you with? In other words what are the advantages of holding each of the SLBs? For example, if the SLB is “I am not confident enough”, some of the hidden benefits might be, you don’t take action that might carry the risk of failure or rejection – so you don’t need to cope with failure and rejection, pretty big benefit!

Once you have the benefits listed, also make a list of the costs of holding those beliefs. This should be easier since it was probably part of discovering the SLBs themselves.

Step 2: Flip the belief and look for evidence to support the new version.
Flip it: “I am confident”; evidence: “I did present the product idea to my boss this morning”; “I did hold my ground in answering questions”; “I did take action even though I felt some anxiety” etc… This is a great way of challenging the SLBs.

Step 3: Pick one!
Ask yourself which belief you want to stick with (i.e., “I am not confident” or “I am confident”) which one do you like better, which one do you want: the SLB or the opposite?

Step 4: Use confirmation bias
Consciously set the confirmation bias (see the post on 2009-02-09) into action – be the best lawyer you could be to look for evidence in support of this belief. While at it, make sure to overlook conflicting information along the way. This might feel unnatural at first but when you think about it, it is actually something we are experts at (hint: Remember all the times you previously failed to notice how you were being confident?)! But very important point is to be consistent and intentional in doing this. Beliefs take time to change, therefore it is crucial to stick with process and keep a track of the benefits you’re getting from holding that belief (journaling might be a good idea).

Supports & tips along the way

• One thing that would support you along the way would be using self-affirmation. Numerous studies have shown that reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself replenishes resources to exert self-control. And believe me, replacing SLBs with new beliefs requires quite a bit of self-control! Self-affirmations could be thinking or writing about your core values and things you are competent at, or they could be doing things, even small ones, in line with your values.
  

  

• In line with the above point, because self-control is a limited resource don’t try to attempt changing too many beliefs at a time (more on this in a later post).  
  

• Similar to any task that requires effort, one of your best bets would be to rely on social support. Share your commitment in changing your SLBs with someone whom you know will support you. This helps in three ways. First, it means more accountability to change the beliefs; secondly, another person can help you to do your reality check by being more objective; and lastly, their positive feedback will have similar benefits as self-affirmation.
  

Enjoy running beyond those self-imposed boundaries and opening up more possibilities for yourself!

References
Schmeichel, Brandon J.; Vohs, Kathleen (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 96(4), 770-782.

Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-affirmation: Sustaining the integrity of the self. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 21, pp. 261-302). New York: Academic Press.

 

 

 

2009-06-12
Are you setting yourself up?

'“Rabbits have a powerful notion of their territory. They stay inside the self-proclaimed boundaries no matter what. Even if a coyote chases them to the brink of their known land, and escape is in sight, they will turn around and run straight into the jaws of the predator rather than risk the new ground.”

This was shared in a blog post I read a few days ago. I don’t know anything about rabbits, or if they actually do behave like that but I thought this provides a powerful image about the topic I would like to write about – self-limiting beliefs.  

Self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) constitute a core area in my coaching work. Most of the time people complain about external obstacles ranging from circumstances such as workload, to other people such as competitive colleagues . But really, the biggest obstacle that keep them from where or who they want to be are these beliefs they hold on to – consciously or more dangerously, unconsciously.

• I am not creative/extraverted/ambitious enough.
  

• I am not confident enough.
  

• I don’t have the necessary skills/experience.
  

• I can’t handle it.
  

• I must be perfect.
  

• I should make everyone happy.
  

• No one wants to get to know me.
  

Sound familiar? It is not that we are acutely or consistently thinking or aware of these beliefs, YET they do continue limiting us.

The workings of our minds rely on two types of processing. Controlled processing is the thinking that we are conscious and aware of, that takes up our brain energy and resources. Automatic processing, on the other hand, is the type of thinking that continues running at the background, effortlessly and outside our awareness. To make it more concrete, imagine you are having a meeting with your boss. Formulating an argument as to why you should use a particular strategy involves controlled processing; reading her body language and other nonverbal cues to assess if she is convinced by your argument as you speak are mostly handled through automatic processing. Recent research shows much of our processing fall under the second category, and of course this has powerful implications for our thinking, emotions, decision-making, and behaviors (more on this on another post).

What is important in this context is that many SLBs do operate at the automatic level – they almost act as lenses through which you perceive and evaluate the world and yourself. Inevitably, they influence your goal setting, motivation, and behaviors even when you are not aware of them.  One of the best things you could do for yourself is to shine the light of awareness on the SLBs to bring them to your consciousness so you can do something about them. That means you take a step to become aware of the territory you’ve trapped yourself into - unless you would like to avoid the consequences, of course. The consequences, though not as terrible as the one for the rabbits, might include missing out on

• coming close to your ideal self
  

• taking a shot at your dream job
  

• meeting some amazing people
  

• moving forward in your career
  

• living a fulfilling life
  

And if you ask me, they’re worth serious consideration.

Yet, I bet there will be some serious resistance and a lot of rationalization that will make the discovery challenging, especially because these SLBs do serve some purpose. Their “hidden benefits” include protecting you (and your self-esteem) from rejection, failure, responsibility, or hard-work. No wonder they’ve become automatic over the years! A few ways to “uncover” the SLBs:

• Take a look at you ideal self (see the earlier post from 2009-02-26 on ideal and ought selves) and ask “What beliefs or stories I’ve been telling myself have been keeping me at a distance from my ideal self?”.
  

• Make a list of things you really really want(ed) to do; the goals you set for yourself but have been ignoring or neglecting. Do some thinking on why you haven’t been working towards them.  
  

• Reflect on those almost “outrageous” dreams you want to realize – so “out-there” that you didn’t even dare to include them under your ideal self (e.g., running a marathon, setting up your own business).  They are great in mining the most powerful SLBs.
  

Once you’ve done that, you might ask “Now, what?” First of all, acknowledge your accomplishment: awareness is one of the most important steps of tackling SLBs - now you know what your self-proclaimed boundaries are.  Next time some tips & tools to start working on them…

 

 

 

2009-06-04
Why some decisions feel better than others - that is, independent of the outcome?

In an earlier post I wrote about different ways/orientations to set goals and regulate behavior – prevention and promotion focus: First one referring to a focus on absence of negatives, and the latter one to achieving positive things. If you reflected on the questions at the end of that post or completed the  Regulatory Focus Questionnaire, you have an idea which one is more dominant for you.

I had also mentioned the strategies to reach these goals. One can either pick a means that will maximize possibilities – an eager strategy; or she can pick one that will minimize potential mistakes – a vigilant strategy.

So far it’s a recap of an earlier post. Here’s what’s new: the fit between the regulatory focus (prevention vs. promotion) and the strategy you use to reach your goals (vigilant vs. eager). Recent research shows that the fit between these two factors has important consequences for motivation, decision-making and the value we get from our decisions.

First, the fit between regulatory focus/orientation and the means to reach the goals influences the motivation. A person with a prevention focus has a stronger motivation to pursue a goal when using a vigilant strategy rather than an eager strategy. For example, a sales manager with a prevention focus will have higher motivation when using a strategy that emphasizes watching out for costs, rather than looking out for profits. If you’re leading a team of people with diverse regulatory orientations that would mean you’re better off to frame goals accordingly, and be flexible in suggesting a mix of vigilant and eager strategies that would map onto both prevention and promotion orientations.

Secondly, when the fit between orientation and strategy is high people feel more alert both when making decisions and after making a decision. They also evaluate their decisions more positively. These two consequences combined could explain why a particular decision can be more satisfying for some than for others independent of the outcome of the decision– both across different people (e.g. in a team) and for the same person across different decisions.

Finally, the fit also has an impact on the value people assign to outcomes. For example, people with prevention or promotion orientations assign a higher monetary value to an object that they have chosen by using the compatible strategy – vigilant or eager, respectively. What does that mean? Your perception of how valuable something increases when your decision-making reflects the fit – you also become more likely to pay a higher amount for it.

These findings have important implications for the enjoyment of goal pursuit. The higher the fit the more satisfaction you’ll get from pursuing your goals. This also means you play an active role in the value you get from an object or a service through your regulatory focus and the strategy you choose to make a decision. You can increase the enjoyment you get from goal pursuit by being aware of your regulatory orientation and by being mindful in choosing a compatible strategy to maximize the fit between the two.

Feeling good about your decision and the outcome of your decision is under your control. The better you know yourself the better you can regulate your behavior and the better you feel! Now, how good is that?

 

 

 

2009-04-07
You are en expat, therefore...

Anyone who hasn’t been stereotyped or prejudiced against? The answer is rarely “Me!”. So it’s highly likely that you’ll relate to what I’ll describe in this post - especially if you are among the “people on the move”; a group who gets frequently stereotyped in different cultures, if not anything as “expats”.

Last time, I wrote if you think all stereotypes are negative that’s a prejudice, but then why’s there so much negative talk about stereotypes? From one perspective they are very useful because they help us to categorize and deal with the vast amount of social information that we are exposed to. In that sense they are not too different from other beliefs or knowledge structures we have, or generalizations we make such as ripe fruits are sweet, or German cars are reliable. They help us to process and store the information we have about the world, and to make judgments’ and decisions as we go along.

From the users’ perspective there are not too many downsides to relying on stereotypes – except for making some inaccurate judgments about people from time to time, which might have serious or not-so-serious consequences. Possibly the main reason why stereotypes are treated as the bad guys is the impact stereotyping has on the targets.

We can talk about three ways in which stereotyping influences the targets. First is through the way people explain positive and negative outcomes. Imagine (and for most people – just remember) that you are a member of a stereotyped social group. You are well aware of the stereotype and you know that it includes the belief that your group is not competent in a particular domain (e.g., social skills, math, sports, academics, management). Let’s take management. You’ve just received your evaluation as a manager and it’s rather a negative one. Now, you find yourself wondering how objective your supervisor was in evaluating your performance – does the report reflect an accurate assessment of your skills; or has the stereotype related to your social group played a role? Or think of the other scenario where you’ve got a great evaluation, and you find yourself asking a similar question: Is it really me; or is it the company policy about encouraging minorities? In either case the reasons behind the evaluation will carry some ambiguity. And this ambiguity will have implications for your future motivation and performance.

The second way in which stereotyping can influence the targets is through the anxiety it creates. Typical scenario is that you – as a member of a stereotyped group – are aware of the stereotype that your group is perceived not to be that good in a domain (e.g., Math for women; intelligence and academic success for many minorities or people from lower socioeconomic status etc.,). When you find yourself in a situation that will emphasize your skills in that domain, the thought of not performing well and confirming the stereotype creates anxiety. On top of that add the anxiety about doing something that will reflect negatively on your group – now you have enough anxiety to undermine your performance! This, by now well-established effect – is called stereotype threat and its impacts have been demonstrated from educational settings to workplace.

Finally, stereotypes also have a negative impact on targets through the process of self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine that your manager, in line with her stereotype of your social group, has low expectations of you. Therefore she assigns low priority goals or projects to you. So you get to display your skills in a limited scope; or following the reciprocity norm, you respond by low contributions to low expectations. What ensues is self-fulfilling prophecy demonstrated by a cycle of low expectations - limited contribution that perpetuates the stereotype.  

How about people’s expectations about YOU as a result of their “expat” stereotype: that you make tons of money; your employment comes at the expense of locals’ employment; you’re driving the housing process/rents up; you are living in their community just temporarily? How has being the target of “expat” stereotype been influencing you?

You might be wondering how to work around it – how to break the cycle. Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t give in to your “saboteur*” who will try to undermine your successes by saying “You got the promotion because you are from Group X”; or who will make you nervous by saying “You know what they think – you’re going to fail because you’re from Group X”.
  

• Instead, take credit for your very own accomplishments; do your reality check with trusted colleagues. To be at your best, make sure to be honest in your self-assessments and avoid the tendency to consistently blame the stereotypes. Work with a coach to support you in dealing with self-limiting beliefs.
  

• In dealing with stereotype threat: make a list of times when you did succeed in the domain despite what the stereotype suggests. Enrich your list with examples from other members of your group. Make the list easily accessible for future reference so that dealing with anxiety becomes a very easy task.  
  

• Be aware of the expectations due to stereotypes and deliberately set targets to go beyond them. Get involved in setting goals for yourself and demand higher goals to show your skills.
  

• Highlight accomplishments – yours or other stereotyped individuals’ – to encourage stereotype change especially given people’s tendency to regard those cases as “exceptions” to keep their stereotypes intact.
  

*saboteur : also known as “inner critic”, “negative self-talk”

 

 

 

2009-04-01
Do I need to change my stereotype about the Dutch?

Yes, I took too long of a break from writing, and I have many exciting things to write about – from my trip to Turkey, to the inspiring seminar panel “From Diversity to Inclusion” organized by the Netherlands – Canadian Chamber of Commerce and KPMG yesterday. Last time, I had promised to write more about the regulatory focus but I’ll leave that to another post and share some thoughts on the gender diversity topic and social norms this time.

Let me share a “stereotype” I’ve had and partly still have about the Netherlands – the stereotype that motivated me to move to Amsterdam. The components of the stereotype are: tolerant, multicultural, welcomes diversity, progressive, liberal, English language-friendly, individualistic, aware of what’s going on in the world, friendly in a North European way (i.e., easy to start conversations, but difficult to go beyond the acquaintance level), organized, too planned – not spontaneous. You might think “but that doesn’t look like a stereotype, it’s too positive” – well that’s your prejudice against stereotypes, that they are all negative. Well, they are not. One thing stereotypes do is that they create expectancies and we go around looking for evidence to support them (see the post on Confirmation Bias). But I am more interested in what happens when we come across information that conflicts with our stereotypes. And that’s what happened for me this week – part of my stereotype about the Netherlands/Dutch was challenged.

During the presentations of an impressive group of speakers –  Avivah Wittenberg-Cox,   Dr. Claartje Vinkenburg,   Dr. Alison Konrad – I learned that in the Netherlands almost 75% of women in workforce (59% of Dutch women are in the workforce) are on some form of part-time working arrangement. And possibly, as a consequence of that (of course in conjunction with other factors) the representation of women in management positions is among the lowest in Europe. According to a  Grant Thornton survey in 2007, only 13% of senior management level positions were held by women in the Netherlands, as opposed to 21% in France, 23% in Poland, 34% in Russia, and 50% in the Philippines.

So what do these numbers have to do with my stereotype? The norms behind this pattern was what challenged the “progressive” component of my Netherlands/Dutch stereotype – Dutch society appears to be quite traditional or do I dare to say, conservative when it comes to the roles of men and women in relation to family and work issues. Family-related responsibilities and childcare are still seen as mainly the responsibility of women, whereas the “breadwinner” role is ascribed to men.

First-hand I can share a comment made by one of our Dutch neighbors in response to my question regarding if/when she’s going back to full-time schedule “My husband makes enough money, I don’t think I need to work full-time”. I had “sub-typed” her or thought she was an exception until I saw the numbers presented yesterday. Of course the regulations such as the time for maternity and paternity leaves - 16 weeks and 2 days, respectively – do further help perpetuate the gender roles.

According to the research of Dr. Vinkenburg, the Director of the Amsterdam Center for Career Research at Vrije Universitiet Amsterdam, at workplace women are also perceived as being less competent once they become mothers, or as early as they get pregnant. It also becomes (even) less acceptable for them to express being ambitious about their careers. There is also a very real peer pressure going as far as judging them as “bad mothers” with sarcastic comments such as “So, you are the career mom who doesn’t have time to pick kids up from school?” It is always ironic to see the role women play in perpetuating the status quo.

You could ask “What’s wrong with it if women (and men) are happy with the norm?” My concern lies not in pushing people for the egalitarian roles per se, but rather in the impact that the norm has on people who would like to deviate from it. There are women who would like to push their way up in the career ladder and hence, prefer or must work full-time; as well as there are men who would like to work part-time and play a more active role in raising the kids. As social beings, humans’ functioning is very dependent on the social norms – more than we would like to admit.

In the light of these norms and numbers, the advantage I’ve once attributed to “The Netherlands being one of the easiest places to raise kids” has taken on a whole different meaning. Flexible working arrangements, which could be seen as an advantage and a sign of progressive work-life balance mentality in many other places, seem to be a liability for the careers of women in the Netherlands. This raises a few questions for me:

• Are most women and men aware of the liability of part-time work arrangement for their careers and families?
  

• To what extent do men and women incorporate the traditional gender roles in their identity? To what extent are they yielding to the social influence/norms – consciously or unconsciously?
  

• How does the “part-time work” norm influence women who prefer to work full-time?
  

• How do the Dutch men and women define “work-life” balance?
  

• And finally, should I be revising my stereotype as Dutch being very progressive – at least with respect to gender roles?
  

 

 

 

2009-03-11
"Let’s go for it!" or "Be careful!" What do your goals look like?

I’ve always wondered why some people are content with minimal goals they must attain, while others go beyond what is “necessary”… And here’s a theory that has helped me understand the differences: Self-Regulatory Focus, by  Dr. Tory Higgins (yes, the same researcher who proposed ideal and ought self-guides).

What guides your actions? Are you motivated by approaching gains? Or are you motivated by ensuring there are no losses? What gets you going – the prospect of advancement and accomplishment; or security, responsibility, and obligations? If your actions are mostly fueled by positive outcomes or gains, then you have a promotion focus; if your actions are mostly fueled by avoiding losses you have a prevention focus. Even though these two self-regulatory orientations could be influenced by the context, most people have a chronic tendency towards one or the other.

If you remember the self-guides I wrote about in my previous post, you’ll realize a parallel between the ideal-self and a promotion focus; and the ought-self and a prevention focus. For people with a promotion focus goals are viewed as ideals, whereas for those with a prevention focus goals are viewed as oughts.

In other words, actions of Frank – one of the main characters in the movie “Revolutionary Road” – who has a prominent ought self, reflect a prevention focus. Remember his justification for taking the well-paying job: “Well, I support you, don’t I? I work for 10 hours at a job I can’t stand….I have the backbone not to run away from my responsibilities”.

April – Frank’s wife – on the other hand, with a prominent ideal-self is motivated by her dreams and aspirations: “I wanted IN. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping.”

The person with a promotion focus is on the look out for means of advancement and careful about not closing off the possibilities.  That’s also one way in which she differs from a person with a prevention focus – she uses an eager strategy to pursue her goals.  The person with a prevention focus prefers a vigilant strategy – Be careful and avoid mistakes! His focus is on minimal goals that he must attain.  And how do these two people feel when they fail to reach their goals?

Yes – you’ve probably guessed it right! It follows the same pattern with self-discrepancies I talked about last time.  A promotion focus person, when she fails to reach her goal, feels depression-related emotions – disappointment, sadness, and dejection. A prevention focus person, on the other hand, feels anxiety-related emotions – fear, worry, and tension. In other words, different kind of emotions one feels provide qualitatively different insights into goal blockage.

Curious about what type of regulatory focus YOU have? Here are a few ways to find out:

• Use your emotions as indicators: Reflect on what type of emotions you feel when you fail to reach your goals – depression-related or anxiety-related?
  

• Reflect on the nature of your goals: Are your goals about approaching success?  Or are they about avoiding failure/mistakes?
  

• Which one is more dominant for you: Ideal- or Ought-self? (Reflecting on the questions at the end of my last post would help you with this one)
  

• Complete the  Regulatory Focus Questionnaire on the HigginsLab website – it will also give you some insights about the roots of regulatory focus you have.
  

And come back next time to read about how the fit between your regulatory focus and the strategy in pursuing your goals can improve your motivation and how you feel about the outcome.

 

 

 

2009-02-26
"It takes backbone to lead the life you want, Frank."

April Wheeler: Don't you see? That's the whole idea! You'll be able to do what you should have been allowed to do seven years ago, you'll have the time. For the first time in your life, you'll have the time to find out what it is you actually want to do. And when you figure it out, you'll have the time and the freedom, to start doing.

Frank Wheeler: This doesn't seem very realistic.

April Wheeler: No, Frank. This is what's unrealistic. It's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. Coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things.

---

This is a dialogue from one of the most powerful movies I have seen recently – Revolutionary Road. It is full of strong messages and thoughts worth pondering upon. For people who haven’t seen the film, it is the story of a young couple, Frank and April, living in a Connecticut suburb during the mid-1950s struggle to come to terms with their personal problems while trying to raise their two children. But really, it is a powerful depiction of the strong conflict between living a life in line with your dreams versus living a life in accordance with the script of the times and the society one lives in.  And how this conflict could become magnified in a relationship in the dynamics of interdependence.

A prominent researcher in social psychology – Dr. Tory Higgins – talks about different selves people have. First a person has the actual self – that is who she currently is. Then there are the two “self-guides”. The ideal self, that involves her dreams, aspirations, desires. And the ought self, her understanding of what others want her to be - the self she thinks she should be.  The conflict portrayed in Revolutionary Road is one between the ideal and the ought selves.

It gets more interesting when we look at the implications of having a discrepancy between who you are – your actual self – and each of the two self guides.
According to the self-discrepancy theory of Dr. Higgins, when our actual self doesn’t align with our ideal self we typically feel depression-related emotions – disappointment, sadness and dejection. Indeed, in the movie we observe April experiencing all these feelings as she fails to do something that will get her closer to who she desires to be.

The discrepancy between the actual self and the ought self – who we think we should be, however, is associated with a different set of emotions. We experience anxiety-related emotions – fear, worry, tension, guilt. We can see April’s husband Frank getting agitated and anxious when his prospective boss makes a comment about how his late father would be proud of him when he accepts that well-paying new position – a position he was planning to decline to fulfill his and his wife’s dreams in Paris, instead.

Of course, emotions are not the only implications of these discrepancies we experience when we perceive our selves as not measuring up to our ideals and standards. There are also motivational outcomes as we deal with the emotional discomfort. That is when we start looking for justifications – like when Frank says, “Well I support you, don’t I? I work 10 hours a day at a job I can’t stand” after accepting the high paying position to the dismay of his wife. Quite different from his wife April’s striving for taking action and planning on moving to Paris to close the gap between their current life and what they’ve aspired for, “that they would be wonderful in this world”.

This pull & push between the ideal and the ought selves is a major force that motivates many people to take action and work with a coach. People who can relate to April who says, “I saw a whole other future. I can’t stop seeing it.” Of course, it is not the easy way and it takes a lot of courage – or backbone. However, the key shift happens when one realizes that leading the current life in order to be the person she should be is a far greater risk than taking the chance to go for what she really wants.

A few things worth thinking about:

• What are your aspirations, dreams, desires? What does your ideal self look like?
  

• How about your ought self – the type of person you think you “should” be?
  

• Which one is really more risky – striving for who you want to be or working on who you should be?
  

The type of discrepancy you are dealing with also influences the way you approach your goals – but more on this next time….

 

 

 

2009-02-20
On missing Vancouver and letting go…

I meant to write about our fundamental need to perceive our world as stable and predictable. How we need an anchor. I sat down at my desk and thought having a slideshow of random photos on my computer combined with some of my favorite music at the background would be inspiring as I write. But with the first few pictures, I changed my mind about the topic – let me tell you why….

Today has been a day of longing for Vancouver. With a few coincidences that I will share, I was reminded of this amazing city I called home for 8 years. It started with a card I received from a fellow coach. The card had a Thunderbird in the center – an important figure for the First Nations of Pacific northwest. It made me realize how much I’ve missed being surrounded by rich symbols of the First Nations when I lived in British Columbia. I have a framed print of the Raven  - a symbol of creation, prestige, and knowledge hanging in my office. Then I heard the cries of seagulls, which for me has become a constant reminder of ocean – which I had had the privilege to see every single day in Vancouver. In the afternoon when I talked to my parents, they told me how they had come across the photos they took when they visited me in Canada as they set out to select photos for print. We talked about the wonderful time we had there and how we all miss the amazing nature of Vancouver.

Well yes, then came the slideshow… You can guess which photos were among the first in the line up! Photos of coast mountains, sunsets over the Pacific, eagles in the huge Stanley Park nestled in the middle of the city … and of friends, lots of friends – from diverse backgrounds… and of me – happy to be surrounded with nature and friends… That was when I felt the intense longing and decided I have to write about Vancouver, about missing and about letting go…

In their book ‘A Portable Identity’ Debra Bryson and Charise Hoge talk about a very important resource for people on the move – ability to let go. They define this ability as “giving up your attachment to the way your life was before some event, decision, or change altered its course…Letting go implies that you are holding onto something that needs to be released”. They point out that is not an easy thing to do because most of the time the thing you’re holding onto – your home, life-style, relationship – provided you with security.  This relates to the theme I originally wanted to write about: our need for stability and predictability all serving to the higher-order need for security. In Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs, our need for security so fundamental that it comes right after the basic physiological needs.

A very important question to ponder on is ‘What are some things that you’re holding onto which might be blocking your way in adapting to your environment?’ Your roles, relationships, lifestyle – mountains & ocean? Without the awareness and working on “letting go” it becomes difficult to enjoy what you have. Then comes a point of decision – do you let go and focus on ‘here and now’, or do you fail to enjoy what you have because you’re still very attached to what you had before?

Here’re a few questions to guide you in your journey of letting go:

• What do you miss about your life before your move? Make a list of things you're still attached to.
  

• How are you dealing with the discrepancy of not having those things anymore? You deny it? Get angry? Acknowledge it? Pretend?
  

• Think of a time when you successfully let go of something you were very attached to – how did you do it?
  

• What will become possible/ available to you when you let go?
  

As for me, I feel that I am still somewhat in the ‘transition area’ when it comes to my attachment to Vancouver. Success in letting go lies in coming to terms with what letting go really represents - here’s my favorite part in Bryon and Hoge’s views on the topic:

“Letting go is not about forgetting or denying or ignoring what it was. Letting go is about trusting that the past will survive in you, in your memory and in your essential core self”

 

 

 

2009-02-09
Confirmation bias ~ how it can make it or break it for you...

Last week I was telling my students how they would end up finding my course interesting or boring depending on their initial expectations of it. We all have a tendency to look for evidence that confirms our expectations or beliefs about people, about places, about ourselves… Cognitive psychologists call this very well documented tendency confirmation bias. It can influence how you perceive the world, how you judge people or how you evaluate yourself. And why do we have this bias? Because we like being right – it makes us feel good!

That’s why I was not surprised to read one of the first tips suggested to expatriates in a recent relocation article in the Financial Times: “Don’t go looking for flaws!” It could have likewise said, “Look for positive things!”

There are many examples of how starting out with mindsets such as “They don’t like foreigners here” or “Locals are not helpful, distant, arrogant (list can go forever)” can spoil your – otherwise can be very rewarding – international experience! You will simply end up looking for evidence that will confirm those beliefs. And will you find that evidence? You bet! There will always be some behaviors that are unhelpful or distant, but even more importantly (or shall I say, dangerously!) some that you’ll interpret as unhelpful or distant. And here you go – you set yourself up for a negative experience. Here are three ways how confirmation bias works…

First, you seek biased evidence. You’ll pay more attention to – let’s take being distant – distant behaviors and you’ll become more likely to interpret even neutral or ambiguous behaviors as distant. Here’s how. You run into your neighbors in the mornings on your way to work, and they always seem to cut the conversations short. You decide “See, they are distant – all they do is a say a few words”. Have you considered the possibility that they are in a rush, or they are not confident with their language skills if your conversations are not in the local language? On top of that somehow you fail to notice their warm greetings when you see them over the weekend.

Second, because previously you have paid attention to or interpreted incidents in line with your expectations; those will be the ones recorded in your memory. When it comes to remembering things you recall things also in a biased way. Maybe your neighbors do talk for longer some mornings, but again somehow you always remember those short conversations.  

Finally, you start believing in what psychologists call “illusory correlations” – meaning you see relationships between things where there is none. Once you have in your mind linked locals with distant behaviors, each distant behavior you encounter will be explained by being [insert the group you have in mind here!]. In reality, there is no such relationship because there are many warm people in the culture where you live or there are many distant people in any culture.

And here’s the icing on the cake. All this can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy! Because by now you have found enough evidence that these people are distant, your behaviors will reflect that perception – you’ll be less talkative and warm towards them. And guess how they’ll respond to your distant behavior! Congratulations, you have really made your expectation come true!

Doesn’t sound adaptive, does it? But don’t be discouraged, the beauty of confirmation bias is that it also works in the other direction! Imagine the opposite of above example – that you start out with the belief that locals in your new host culture are warm and friendly people. It opens up possibilities for very positive experiences! Well, you know what to do ~ enjoy!

 

 

 

2009-02-04
I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

One feels the lack of social support most intensely after relocation. If you have just moved to a new country you are probably cut off from most members of your social support network – that is family members, friends, colleagues, your gym buddies, salsa group, etc.... That means you will need to start re-establishing your network, sometimes almost from scratch. And of course, you also need to maintain and enrich relationships you already have or have just formed. It shouldn’t be a daunting task, don’t worry – remember the magic number three from last time? You are in good shape if you have three people in your life that you can count on. Ready to do some thinking on this in 5 steps?

Step 1 - Let’s start with taking an inventory… Make two lists of the members of your social support network; one before and one after your relocation.  In each, include family members, friends, organizations, informal groups of people with similar interests, your coach or counselor if you have/had one.

Reflecting on both before and after helps you to realize the extent of change that’s happened in your life and can account for some of the frustrations, emotional ups & downs you’ve been experiencing. Once we can put our finger on the reasons for our frustration, dealing with it becomes easier. After all, how can you snap out of your lingering frustration or stress if you don’t know where it’s coming from?

Step 2 – Know thyself: Are your emotional, informational and tangible social support needs met? In other words, do you have people who lend you an ear when you need to talk about your worries or fears; acknowledge your successes? People who offer you expert counsel or advice when you are not sure what to do? Friends who would do your grocery shopping when you’re sick or give a ride to the airport for an early morning flight?

Assessing your needs and becoming aware of where you are lacking support will help you to come up with an effective plan for re-establishing your support network.

Step 3 – Prioritize: What are the three most important needs you want to be met through social support?  Deciding which needs are more important will assist you in being more focused and committed. Also the ability to manage our behaviors for meeting goals seems to be a limited resource according to research on self-control. In other words, because we will be using from the same reserves we can not stretch ourselves too much in investing to forming and maintaining many relationships as we try to cope with the demands of adapting to a new environment.

Step 4 – Why should you bother?? Think of the consequences… What will it feel like when you have all these needs fulfilled? How will your life improve?

Step 5 – Set sail! Select one need for now, and take it upon yourself to take at least two steps you can take to reach for support to fulfill that need. Research on procrastination (stay tuned for postings on this) shows that one of the reasons for postponing things is setting unrealistically high goals. So start with the modest ones to ensure action! After all “Little by little, one travels far.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Be assured that these are important steps to generate the wind to fill your sails!

 

 

 

2009-01-27
Have a ride to the airport for an early flight?

A few years ago on my way to the airport I was explaining to my friend, who kindly gave me a ride – how getting a ride to the airport was a good indicator of the social support network one had. Indeed, it is one of the items in a social support scale. In the next few entries that's what I will focus on - social network.

Why talk about social support? Need to belong is one of the two fundamental psychological needs humans have – the other one is autonomy. There are numerous studies that show how having a social network predicts overall wellness – physical as well as psychological.  Social support acts as a buffer against stress, boosts your immune system, bolsters your self-esteem. People who have strong social ties are less likely to suffer heart attacks; they recover faster from surgeries or strokes; and they are less likely to be overwhelmed by stressors…  Believe it or not it even makes you live longer!

Living abroad, I came to appreciate the importance of social support even more. Each time I moved to a new city, without exception, the most important thing that anchored me was the support of my family and friends. My perception of the challenges of relocating is tremendously impacted by the social network I have.  First of all I receive emotional support – having people who listen to your worries, fears, and reassure you that all will be Okay is priceless.  Then, there is the informational support – advice and suggestions about the many challenges of relocation from renting an apartment to finding a family doctor. And it doesn’t end there! People in a social network also offer tangible assistance - helping with packing, selling or storing things, or giving a ride to the airport!

I experienced the support of my social network first hand again last week, when I launched the SetSail Coaching website.  Family and friends from all over the world kindly offered their support with emails, calls, referrals, or by joining to the Facebook group of the company – boosting my motivation and confidence further.

Of course, like with many other things, it is not the quantity but the quality that matters when it comes to social support. According to research three seems to be the critical number here – if you have three people in your life that you can count on, you are pretty much on the safe side.

How about you? How strong is your social support?

• Is there someone who takes pride in your accomplishments?
  

• Do you feel there is someone with whom you can share your worries and fears?
  

• Would you have a hard time finding someone to go with you to a day trip?
  

• Do you meet or talk with your family and friends often?
  

• Do most people you know think highly of you?
  

• And, if you needed an early-morning ride to the airport, is there someone you could comfortably ask?
  

So… Are you satisfied with the supports you have in your life? If your answer is anything less than “Definitely!” well, what are you going to do about it?

 

 

 

2009-01-20
The Change We Need?

As Barack Obama is taking office today, the core message in his presidential campaign has kept me thinking: Change…We’ve all heard the saying “The only constant is change”. But have you ever thought about if you really believe that?  

In other words: Do you believe people can change; or do you believe people can do things differently, but they cannot change the basic qualities/attributes they have? Social psychologists refer to these beliefs as ‘theories of change’: incremental theory – a belief that our traits are flexible, and entity theory – a belief that our traits are fixed.  Most of the time we don’t question or even are aware of our beliefs about change, however these beliefs make a difference in how we lead our lives.

Take a moment now, and remember the last time you said to yourself: “This is the way I am – fill-in-the-blanks: introvert, impulsive, not smart, stubborn…. – and there’s not much I can do about it.”  

Why is it important to know which theory of change you have? Because your mind-set influences

1. if you are willing to put effort in change,
2. if you see the potential for improvement,
3. and even, if you feel the responsibility to change.

The entity mind-set gives a sense of stability – it becomes easier to predict how people will behave - and we like predictability. But it undermines the capacity to change – one feels stuck with what she has and doesn’t see the need to put effort to change. The incremental mindset in turn, opens up the possibility to change, together with the responsibility to change.

What are the implications for internationals, expatriates and their families? Here’s a scenario:

You’re about to move to a new country. You believe you are the kind of person who is shy, not curious about other cultures, and not particularly gifted with languages.

First imagine how you would feel about the move if you believe those traits are fixed... Have you felt the anxiety yet?
How about if you believe those traits are flexible, and you have a dynamic personality? Doesn’t sound as stressful anymore, or?

One core belief can dramatically impact your motivation, your feelings and your behaviors! Don’t you think it’s worth reflecting on the question: Do you believe in fixed traits or do you think people can change?

(For more on Entity versus Incremental Theories, see the work of   Dr. Carol S. Dweck)

 

 

 

2009-01-17
Launching the boat…

Welcome on board! I am really excited about starting something I’ve had in mind for quite some time - that is, to share my experiences and thoughts on being an international, as a social psychologist and a coach.  I will also write about tools and resources from social and positive psychology that we can apply to common challenges internationals face.

Living abroad has become a life-style for many people – that means there’s a wealth of resources being used and created all over the world every day! I hope you will become part of our crew by sharing your resources through this blog… Please send me your thoughts, comments, and resources you would like to share through the form on our Contact page  Comments on SetSail Blog