Last time I wrote about one of our fundamental needs – the need to belong. There are a number of secondary needs that result from that. Wanting to fit in is a consequence of our need to belong.
We all know the lengths we go to fit in – within our families, professional groups, friends, or even in a group of strangers. We comply with requests that we would rather not, or follow norms that we’re not convinced of – all in the service of fitting in.
In some cultures – the collectivistic ones such as Japanese, Chinese, Latin American – fitting in takes on even a greater importance. A Japanese proverb says “The nail that stands out gets pounded down” or a Japanese comic poem warns:
Ecstatic at being
set free
the bird collides with the tree
A Dutch saying I’ve learned recently advises “The head above the cornfield gets chopped off”. In the expat lives the need to belong and a desire to fit in become even more pronounced – we become almost desperate, if I may dare to say, to blend in.
In the book Expat one American woman, living in Indonesia, described how she started wearing ankle length skirts, both to be properly attired in Muslim eyes and to cover the pale color of her skin.
One of the first things we’ve done when we moved to Amsterdam was to buy bikes – not only because it’s the best way to get around but also to fit in! This is a place where having a number of your bikes stolen is an indication of how local you’ve become!
Same goes for the efforts to learn the local language. In the Netherlands where you can easily get by just by speaking English many expats still make an effort to learn Dutch (which requires quite an investment with respect to time and effort). Most people still want to learn it because they want to fit in.
There are numerous costs to not fitting in: ranging from being a target of aggression or ridicule to social exclusion – one of the most dreaded outcomes for humans. One expat complained how she felt excluded because her Dutch colleagues insisted on speaking in Dutch instead of English during meetings – ironically, in an organization whose mission is to serve and support expats. After a while, her response was to stop making contributions during these meetings.
This, disengagement or passivity, is a typical response to social exclusion. Other consequences are increased negative thoughts about the self, sadness, dejection, loneliness, and depression. Social exclusion is perceived as a painful, anxiety producing experience.
Another grim outcome could be questioning whether one’s existence is meaningful which on its own can pave the way for further damaging consequences. These negative thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns could be serious obstructions on the way to adapting and feeling at home.
So what’s the way around it? How can an expat make sure her needs to belong and to fit in are satisfied to make the best out of her experience in her host country? And what would be ways to cope with some obstacles along the way?
As for many other needs the first step is awareness. You might be experiencing some of the thoughts and emotions I mentioned above – but have you accurately identified the underlying reasons? You might very well be attributing them to homesickness or to your personality (for example, being an introvert) . Ask yourself: How well have I been fitting in? How would I rate my sense of belongingness?
One can very easily get sucked up in the cycle of not having a sense of belongingness or inclusion; followed by disengagement and passivity; which further hinders taking steps to satisfy your need to belong and fit in. Try to break the cycle by first becoming aware of it, and then taking action. The action might take different forms:
- creating new, more positive thoughts (e.g., „It is under my control to be included“ or „It is very normal for the locals to speak their own language, their intention is not to exclude me“)
- trying on different perspectives about the situation (e.g., „This is a great opportunity to try different ways of interacting with others – an opportunity hard to come by at home“ or „This is the first time where I feel very different from others, I could learn a lot from this experience.“)
- putting in effort to do things that will increase you sense of belongingness (e.g. learning the language or joining groups you can relate to)
One thing you need to remember is to be compassionate towards yourself. Try to show the same understanding you would to others who are on a journey of living in a foreign culture. It is a process and how much you’ll enjoy will depend on your attitude and how much you take care of yourself.